Has this ever happened to you, Mama? You just had a baby, and you received a visit or phone call from someone, only to for them to solely talk about or pay attention to your baby the whole time? Or how about if eventually they did ask you about how you are doing, their response to you was something along the lines of “Awww, well, at least you have a healthy baby. That’s all that matters.” No. Not quite. Such a statement is not only insensitive but also immediately shuts the door on your feelings, insecurities, concerns, questions, and trust of others as a new mother. (And that’s “new mother” in the sense of having a new baby whether for the first time or not.)
Also, this statement makes other birth outcomes and health issues stigmatic. In other words, if a mama experienced a pregnancy or infant loss or if her baby is born with health issues, she could be left feeling powerless or discouraged if the person she thought she could be vulnerable with dismisses her or does not give her the opportunity to speak or process however she pleases.
Truth is, I’m sure we both have been guilty of this at one point or another. Honestly, it can be an uncomfortable situation and so the common thing is to glaze over things and focus back on the sweet baby. However, again, that’s problematic. At the end of the day, Mamas need to be supported in whole and we need to be given the space to fully explore and express our feelings, insecurities, and the like without any fear of backlash — because having a healthy baby is not all that matters.
Your birth story really does matter.
The truth is your birth story, the details in full from the first surge to the first day home (even including your first few weeks postpartum), really does matter. To solely be told “at least you have a healthy baby” is not only insensitive but discredits your birthing experience, whether it was desirable or undesirable. In both desirable and undesirable experiences, you should be applauded and acknowledged for your hard work, strength, and Mama Magic regardless of how your baby entered the world. The process to conceive, carry, and birth a human being should not be downplayed. Furthermore, if your birth experience was undesirable in any way, it should be acknowledged. Maybe you desired a natural birth at a Birthing Center, VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), or intervention-free hospital birth and had an experience that you did not hope for. Maybe your labor and birthing experience was great but you encountered unsupportive doctors, pushy nurses, or other undesirable staff, or the opposite — maybe you encountered amazingly supportive and sensitive providers. Whatever was your experience, you should be allowed the space to vent, to cry, to be angry, to mourn, and/or to process it all however you see fit. Which leads to the next fact.
Birth trauma really does matter.
The truth is your birth trauma really does matter. Birth trauma is a real thing that should not be overlooked or dismissed by the “at least your baby…” statement. It is important to really take the time to process your birthing and postpartum experience if you have had a birth trauma, and it should be done in your own time and with your comfort. So, while others should allow you the space to reflect and acknowledge it by not saying dismissive statements to you, you also have the right to speak on your birth trauma in your own time and with whomever you desire. No one should rush you into healing by making you reflect on “your healthy baby” or by saying “at least you are alive.” While those may be factual and absolutely worthy of reflection and appreciation, you deserve space to process and heal from your birth trauma.
Unsure if you have had a birth trauma? Birth trauma can be considered to be any type of physical, emotional, or psychological distress experienced during or after childbirth. Yes! Certain postpartum experiences are also considered birth traumas.
Your mental health as a new mom really does matter.
Another thing that really matters is your mental health. It is so important that your feelings are acknowledged. Oftentimes people tend to ask new moms a million questions about their baby but fail to check in with the mom about her physical, emotional, and psychological wellbeing. Has that happened to you? (It surely has happened to me!) It is so important to be aware of this so that you can advocate for yourself, in a way, to say “hey, I’m really struggling right now” or “I’ve been feeling a little weird lately.” Just knowing that your emotions and thoughts matter can be freeing of any thoughts or indications that may tell you otherwise.
I’m also a big fan of giving visitors a chore to do while they are visiting a new mom. If only it were so simple to expect people to help out with washing the dishes when they come over for a visit. One could hope and wait for that day to come or one could set that expectation at the door.
Moving Forward
Okay, Mama, that was a lot to take in! Let’s hold others and one another accountable for really taking the time to care for and make space for new mamas to just be open and vulnerable. No mother should feel ignored, unheard, or uncared for. Every aspect of us is important and matters.
So, what can be said instead of “all that matters is that the baby is healthy”? I will list a few ideas, but also please share your ideas below in the comments. I would love to hear what have to add.
- Affirmation. “That does sound frustration…”, “Wow, you did go through a lot…”, “Your feelings are important…”
- Not “buts”. Just leave it. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that,
but at least…” - Sympathy is okay. Again “I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that” NOT “
Girl, why are you complaining? You should be…” - Make space. “Do you want to talk more about it?”, “If you’re up for sharing, I’m will listen.”
- Leave the door open. “I’m here for you”, “Whenever you are ready…”
- Build her up. “You’re an amazing Mama”, “You’re a warrior/strong/bold/brave/etc”
- If it’s too late, just apologize. We all make mistakes.
Have you ever believed that “all that matters is that the baby is healthy?” Have you been able to fully process your feelings, emotions, questions, etc. after your pregnancy? Can you think of other things “that really matter”? Please share your thoughts in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts.
