Has this ever happened to you, Mama? You’ve just had a baby, and someone comes to visit or calls to check in, only to spend the entire time focused solely on your baby. Or maybe they eventually ask how you are doing, but follow it up with something like, “Awww, well, at least you have a healthy baby. That’s all that matters.”
No. Not quite.
Statements like this, even when well-intentioned, can be deeply insensitive. They often shut the door on a new mother’s feelings, insecurities, concerns, questions, and her willingness to trust others with her vulnerability. (And when I say “new mother,” I mean any mama who has just had a baby, whether it’s her first or her fifth.)
This mindset also stigmatizes other birth outcomes and experiences. If a mother has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, or if her baby is born with health challenges, hearing “at least you have a healthy baby” can leave her feeling dismissed, powerless, or discouraged, especially if it comes from someone she hoped would offer support. When her experience is minimized, she’s denied the space to speak, process, and feel in her own way.
Truthfully, many of us—myself included—have probably said something like this at one point or another. Conversations around birth and postpartum can feel uncomfortable, and it’s often easier to redirect attention to the baby. However, avoiding discomfort by glossing over a mother’s experience is still harmful. Mothers deserve to be supported as whole people. We deserve space to express our feelings without fear of being shut down—because having a healthy baby is not all that matters.
Let’s talk about what else matters because there’s more.
You deserve space to express your feelings without fear of being shut down.
Your Birth Story Really Does Matter
Your birth story—every part of it, from the first surge to the first days at home, and even the early weeks postpartum—truly matters. Being told “at least you have a healthy baby” not only dismisses your experience, but it can invalidate the work, strength, and endurance it took to bring life into the world.
Whether your birth was everything you hoped for or far from it, your experience deserves acknowledgment. Maybe you envisioned a natural birth at a birth center, a VBAC, or an intervention-free hospital birth, and things didn’t go as planned. Maybe the birth itself went well, but you encountered unsupportive providers, or perhaps you were surrounded by incredible care. Whatever your experience, you deserve space to talk about it. To vent. To cry. To be angry. To mourn. To celebrate. To process, however and whenever you need.
Birth Trauma Really Does Matter
Birth trauma is real, and it should never be minimized by phrases like “at least your baby…” Trauma can be physical, emotional, or psychological, and it can occur during birth or in the postpartum period. Yes, certain postpartum experiences are also considered birth trauma.
Healing from birth trauma should happen in your own time and on your own terms. While others should offer space and compassion, you also have the right to decide when, how, and with whom you share your experience. No one should rush you into “gratitude” or healing by reminding you that your baby is healthy or that you survived. While those truths can coexist with gratitude, they do not erase the need for processing, validation, and healing.
Your Mental Health as a New Mom Really Does Matter
Your mental health matters, too!
New mothers are often asked countless questions about their baby, while their own physical, emotional, and psychological wellbeing goes unchecked. Has that happened to you? (It certainly has to me.) Feeling unseen or unheard during this season can be incredibly isolating.
This is why it’s important to advocate for yourself when you can, to say, “I’m struggling right now,” or “I’ve been feeling off lately.” Simply knowing that your emotions matter can be freeing, especially when postpartum hormones and exhaustion are already at play.
And while we’re here, I’m a big fan of visitors helping out when they come by. New moms shouldn’t feel obligated to host. If someone is visiting, it’s okay to invite them to help with dishes, laundry, or a quick errand. Support doesn’t always look like holding the baby—sometimes it looks like lightening the load.
Okay, Mama, that was a lot. But it’s important.
Let’s commit to holding ourselves and others accountable when it comes to truly caring for new mothers. No mother should feel ignored, unheard, or dismissed during such a vulnerable time. Every part of her experience matters.
Have you ever believed — or been told — that “all that matters is that the baby is healthy”? Have you been able to fully process your emotions after pregnancy and birth? What else do you believe really matters in the postpartum season? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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